Consent in the DMs: How to Flirt Respectfully

We talk a lot about consent in physical contexts. Ask before you kiss. Check in before escalating. Make sure everyone's on the same page before things get intimate.

But consent isn't just about physical touch. It's a principle that applies to every form of interaction—including the messages you send on dating apps.

Conversational consent is the art of reading signals, respecting boundaries, and escalating appropriately in digital spaces. It's how you flirt in a way that feels good for both people, rather than pushy or uncomfortable for the person receiving your messages.

This isn't about walking on eggshells or being so cautious you never say anything interesting. It's about developing the awareness to read situations and the skills to navigate them gracefully. When you get good at conversational consent, flirting becomes more fun for everyone—including you.

What Is Conversational Consent?

Consent, at its core, is about mutual willingness. It means everyone involved is actively choosing to participate in what's happening.

In conversation, this translates to paying attention to whether the other person is enjoying and welcoming your communication. Are they engaged? Are they reciprocating? Are they moving toward you or pulling back?

Conversational consent isn't usually about explicit verbal agreements (though it can be). It's about reading signals and responding appropriately. It's about treating the other person's comfort as relevant information rather than an obstacle to overcome.

The underlying principle is simple: flirting should feel good for both people. If it only feels good for you, something has gone wrong.

Reading the Signals

The first skill in conversational consent is accurately reading what the other person is communicating. This isn't always obvious—digital communication lacks tone of voice and body language. But there are still plenty of signals to observe.

Signs of Interest

When someone is interested and enjoying the conversation, you'll typically see:

Engaged responses. They're writing substantive replies that show they read and thought about what you said. They're not just answering questions but contributing new thoughts.

Questions back. They're curious about you. They're not just responding but actively trying to learn more.

Matched energy. If you're playful, they're playful back. If you share something personal, they share something too. The conversation feels reciprocal.

Quick replies. Obviously, people have lives and can't always respond immediately. But consistent, timely responses suggest they're prioritizing the conversation.

Forward momentum. They're suggesting topics, extending conversations, maybe even proposing meeting up. They're contributing to the progression.

Explicit enthusiasm. "This is fun." "I'm really enjoying talking to you." "You're easy to talk to." When someone tells you they're having a good time, believe them.

Signs of Disinterest

When someone isn't interested or is uncomfortable, you might see:

Short responses. One-word answers. Replies that don't give you anything to work with. They're not contributing energy to the conversation.

Delayed or irregular responses. Long gaps between messages, especially when paired with short replies, often signal waning interest.

No questions back. They answer what you ask but don't express curiosity about you. The conversational burden is entirely on you.

Topic changes. If they consistently steer away from certain subjects, they're telling you they don't want to go there.

Declining energy. Early messages were enthusiastic but recent ones feel obligatory. The emotional temperature has dropped.

Not responding to escalation. You made a flirtier comment and they responded to everything except that part. That's information.

Unclear Signals

Sometimes the signals are genuinely ambiguous. They might be:

Interested but busy or distracted
Nervous about dating and therefore hesitant
Uncertain about their own feelings
Interested in you but not in moving at your pace
Dealing with something unrelated that's affecting their energy

When signals are unclear, the answer isn't to assume the best-case scenario and push forward. The answer is to seek clarity—respectfully.

Escalation Without Presumption

Flirting involves escalation. You're trying to move from strangers to something more—something more familiar, more intimate, more connected. That requires moving the conversation in progressively more personal directions.

The question is: how do you escalate without presuming consent?

The Ask Approach

The most straightforward method is simply asking before escalating. This might feel awkward if you're used to just going for it, but it's actually quite charming when done well.

Instead of: "You're so hot, I can't stop thinking about what I'd do to you."

Try: "I'm finding myself really attracted to you and I'd love to flirt more openly. Is that something you're into?"

The ask approach has several advantages:

It's clear. There's no ambiguity about what you're proposing or asking for.
It's respectful. You're treating the other person as someone whose preferences matter.
It's confident. Asking takes more courage than just assuming. It shows self-assurance.
It gets you better information. A yes is a genuine yes. You know where you stand.
It's sexy. Explicit interest, combined with respect for their choice, is genuinely attractive.

The Progressive Escalation

Another approach is to escalate gradually, checking signals at each stage before moving further.

Level 1: Casual, friendly conversation about interests and daily life.

Level 2: Slightly more personal—asking about preferences, values, or experiences.

Level 3: Light flirting—compliments, playful teasing, subtle expressions of interest.

Level 4: More direct flirting—explicit attraction, suggestive conversation, discussion of desires.

Level 5: Sexual or very intimate conversation.

At each level, pay attention to whether they're meeting you where you are. Are they reciprocating at the current level before you try to move higher? If they're still at Level 2 and you jump to Level 4, you've skipped important steps.

The key is: don't escalate until they've matched your current level. Reciprocation is implicit consent to stay at that level. It's not consent to jump ahead.

The Explicit Check-In

If you're unsure whether escalation is welcome, just ask.

"Is this okay? I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"I'm getting flirtier—let me know if that's not welcome."
"Checking in—are you enjoying this direction?"

This might feel clunky, but most people appreciate it. It shows awareness and respect. And it protects you from accidentally crossing lines you didn't know were there.

Navigating Specific Scenarios

Let's get practical about common situations where conversational consent matters.

Giving Compliments

Compliments are part of flirting, but not all compliments are equal. There's a meaningful difference between:

Complimenting something they chose: "Your profile bio made me actually laugh out loud."

Complimenting something they created: "Those photos from your pottery class are beautiful."

Complimenting their appearance in a general way: "You have a really warm smile."

Complimenting their body in a sexualized way: "Your body is incredible."

As you move down that list, the stakes get higher. The first few are almost universally welcome. The last category is where things get complicated.

Guidelines for appearance-based compliments:

Wait for some established rapport before commenting on physical appearance
Start with neutral observations (smile, eyes, style) before anything sexualized
Pay attention to whether they reciprocate or seem pleased
If they don't engage with or acknowledge the compliment, don't double down

If you're unsure whether a compliment is appropriate, err on the side of complimenting something they did rather than how they look. It's almost always welcome to tell someone you appreciate their sense of humor, taste, creativity, or perspective.

Steering Toward Sexual Conversation

Sometimes conversations naturally move toward sexual territory. Sometimes one person wants to go there and the other doesn't. Here's how to navigate it:

Let it arise naturally. Sexual conversation that emerges from genuine chemistry feels different from sexual conversation that's forced. If you're having to work hard to steer things that direction, they might not want to go there.

Read their contributions. Are they matching your energy? If you make a suggestive comment and they respond neutrally or change the subject, they're not interested in going there right now.

Ask before getting explicit. "I'd love to take this conversation somewhere more intimate. Are you into that?" gives them a clear chance to consent or decline.

Accept the answer gracefully. If they say they'd rather keep things lighter, don't pout, pressure, or try to change their mind. A graceful acceptance of "not now" keeps the door open for "maybe later."

Don't surprise people with explicit content. Sending an explicit message out of nowhere—when the conversation has been casual and friendly—is jarring at best and harassing at worst. Escalate gradually.

Asking to Meet

Moving from messages to meeting in person is a natural progression. But it's also a vulnerable moment—both people are risking rejection.

Timing matters. Asking to meet after three messages might feel rushed. Waiting until you've been messaging for weeks might feel strange too. There's no universal rule, but you should feel like you have some sense of each other first.

Be specific but flexible. "Would you want to get coffee this week?" is better than "We should meet up sometime." Specific suggests genuine interest. Flexible respects their schedule.

Accept no gracefully. If they decline or seem hesitant, don't pressure. You can ask once; if the answer is unclear, you can ask one more time with more specifics. But if they're declining, respect it.

Pay attention to counter-offers. "I can't this week but maybe next week?" signals interest. "I'm really busy" with no alternative offered often signals polite disinterest.

When You've Crossed a Line

Despite your best intentions, you might sometimes misjudge a situation. Maybe you escalated too quickly. Maybe you said something that landed wrong. Maybe you didn't read the signals accurately.

Here's what to do:

Notice the shift. If their energy suddenly drops, if they become short or distant, if they don't respond to something, something happened. Don't plow forward pretending everything's fine.

Acknowledge without over-apologizing. "I feel like that last message might have landed wrong. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable." This shows awareness without forcing them to manage your emotions.

Give them space. After apologizing, let them respond (or not) on their own timeline. Don't flood them with follow-up messages trying to fix it.

Accept the outcome. If they disengage, let them. Respecting someone's choice to end a conversation is as important as respecting their other boundaries.

Learn for next time. Mistakes are opportunities to calibrate. What signals did you miss? What would you do differently?

The Deeper Principle

All of this advice flows from a simple underlying principle: treat the other person as a full human being whose experience matters as much as yours.

This sounds obvious, but it's easy to lose sight of when you're focused on your own desires. Dating apps can feel like a game where the goal is to "win" matches and dates. But the people on the other end of your messages aren't NPCs. They have their own comfort levels, their own nervous systems, their own boundaries.

When you center their experience alongside yours, everything changes. You become attuned to signals instead of ignoring them. You ask questions instead of assuming. You care about whether the interaction feels good for them, not just whether it gets you what you want.

This isn't about being a people-pleaser or suppressing your own desires. Your desires are valid. Your interest is valid. But so is theirs, and so are their boundaries.

Consent-conscious flirting is actually better flirting. When someone knows you're paying attention to their comfort, they can relax into the interaction. When they feel safe, they're more likely to open up, more likely to reciprocate, more likely to enjoy themselves.

The goal isn't just to get a response or a date. The goal is genuine connection between two people who both want to be there.

Building the Skill

Reading signals and navigating consent gets easier with practice. Here's how to develop this awareness:

Slow down. When you're eager or excited, it's easy to send messages without fully considering their impact. Pause before hitting send. Read your message from their perspective.

Develop curiosity about their experience. Instead of just thinking about what you want to say, wonder about how they might receive it. This shift in perspective makes signal-reading more natural.

Ask for feedback. If you have a connection that develops into something ongoing, you can ask how your communication landed. "Was there a point early on where I came on too strong?" Most people will tell you.

Reflect on your own experiences. Think about times you've been on the receiving end of messages that felt uncomfortable. What made them uncomfortable? Use that awareness when you're the one sending.

Accept that you'll make mistakes. You won't always read signals perfectly. The goal isn't perfection—it's good faith effort combined with willingness to course-correct.

The Bottom Line

Flirting in DMs isn't fundamentally different from flirting anywhere else. It requires paying attention, reading signals, and caring about whether the other person is enjoying the interaction.

The unique challenge of digital communication is the absence of real-time feedback. You can't see their face or hear their voice. But you can still read their messages, notice patterns, and check in when you're uncertain.

When you approach messaging with genuine respect for the other person's experience, you create the conditions for real connection. You also protect yourself—from becoming someone who makes others uncomfortable, and from wasting time on connections that aren't mutual.

Good flirting feels good for everyone involved. That's the goal, and it starts with consent.