Beyond 'Hey': 10 Openers That Show You Actually Read Their Profile

Your match notification pings. You open the app, excited to start a conversation with someone who caught your eye. You stare at the blank message field.

And then you type: "Hey."

Or maybe "Hey, how's it going?" if you're feeling ambitious.

You're not alone. Millions of people send some variation of this message every day. And most of those messages disappear into the void, never to receive a response.

The problem with "hey" isn't that it's offensive. It's that it's nothing. It communicates zero information about who you are, why you're reaching out, or what you found interesting about them. It puts the entire burden of starting a conversation on the other person.

Let's fix that.

Why "Hey" Fails: The Math Problem

Before we get to better alternatives, let's understand why minimal-effort openers have such poor response rates.

The Volume Problem

Anyone who's been on dating apps for more than a few days has received a lot of messages. Some people receive dozens per day. When you're choosing which messages to respond to from a full inbox, you're comparing options.

Which would you reply to?

"Hey"
"Hey what's up"
"I noticed you mentioned hiking in your profile—I just got back from [specific trail]. Have you done any good hikes recently?"

The third message demonstrates effort, provides a hook to respond to, and shows the person actually looked at your profile. In a sea of heys, it stands out.

The Information Problem

When someone receives your message, they're evaluating whether a conversation with you would be worth their time. Your opener is evidence they'll use to make that decision.

"Hey" tells them:

You can type three letters
You swiped right on them

That's not much to go on. They still have no idea whether you're interesting, what you have in common, or whether you'd have anything to talk about.

A thoughtful opener tells them:

You read their profile
Something specific caught your attention
You're capable of interesting conversation
You put effort into connecting with them specifically

That's a much stronger case.

The Energy Problem

Conversations require energy. When you send "hey," you're asking them to do all the work of starting the conversation. They have to figure out what to say, generate a topic, carry the initial momentum.

Most people won't. Not because they're lazy, but because they're choosing to invest their energy where it seems most likely to pay off. A "hey" doesn't signal that you're worth the investment.

The Psychology of Good Openers

Understanding why certain openers work helps you craft your own rather than relying solely on templates.

They Demonstrate Genuine Interest

The best openers show you're interested in this specific person, not just anyone who would respond. They reference something unique to their profile. They ask about something they specifically mentioned.

This matters because most people can tell when they're receiving a copy-paste message. They know when someone is just casting a wide net hoping something sticks. Genuine interest is rare enough to be notable.

They Provide a Hook

A good opener gives the other person something easy to respond to. It asks a question they can answer. It makes a comment they can build on. It creates a clear path for the conversation to continue.

The worst thing you can do is send a message that leaves them thinking, "Okay, but... what do I say to that?" Give them an obvious next move.

They Show Personality

Your opener is a sample of what conversation with you would be like. If it's boring, they'll assume you're boring. If it's interesting, they'll assume you're interesting.

Let your actual personality come through. If you're funny, be funny. If you're curious, ask curious questions. If you're warm, be warm. Authenticity in your opener attracts people who will appreciate the real you.

They're Appropriate in Length

Too short (like "hey") provides nothing to work with. Too long can feel overwhelming or desperate. The sweet spot is usually 2-4 sentences—enough to demonstrate thought and provide a hook, but not so much that it feels like a burden to read and respond to.

10 Opener Templates That Actually Work

Here are ten approaches with examples. Remember, these are templates to adapt, not scripts to copy verbatim.

1. The Specific Compliment + Question

Format: Notice something specific about their profile + ask them to elaborate on it.

Example: "Your photo at what looks like a pottery class is great—I've always wanted to try that. Is it as meditative as people say, or do you mostly end up covered in clay?"

Why it works: It shows you looked at their photos, compliments something they did (not just their appearance), and gives them an easy question to answer.

2. The Shared Interest Deep Dive

Format: Identify something you genuinely have in common + ask a specific question about it.

Example: "Another Cormac McCarthy fan! I just finished The Passenger and I'm still processing it. What got you into his books?"

Why it works: Shared interests create immediate connection. The specific reference shows you actually care about this topic, not just using it as a line.

3. The Playful Challenge

Format: Respond to something in their profile with gentle, playful pushback.

Example: "I see you claim to make the best tacos. That's a bold statement. What's your secret?"

Why it works: Light teasing creates energy and invites them to defend/explain something they're proud of. It's more engaging than just agreeing with everything.

4. The Genuine Curiosity

Format: Ask about something unusual or intriguing in their profile that you want to understand.

Example: "Okay, I have to know—what does 'amateur fermentation enthusiast' mean in practice? Are we talking kombucha, or something more ambitious?"

Why it works: Curiosity is flattering. It says, "You're interesting and I want to know more." And unusual profile details often lead to the best conversations.

5. The Relatable Observation

Format: Connect something in their profile to a relatable experience or feeling.

Example: "Your profile mentions you're trying to read more and screen less—I'm in the same boat. I've started leaving my phone in another room at night. Working so far. Any tactics that are helping you?"

Why it works: It creates an "us too" moment of connection and opens up a conversation about shared struggles and solutions.

6. The Specific Question About Their Opinion

Format: Reference their profile + ask what they think about something related.

Example: "I noticed you're into true crime podcasts. Do you have thoughts on whether the recent popularity is good (raises awareness) or problematic (sensationalizes tragedy)? I've been going back and forth on this."

Why it works: Asking for someone's opinion shows you value their perspective. It invites a more substantive conversation than just exchanging facts.

7. The Warm Direct Interest

Format: Simply tell them what caught your attention and why.

Example: "I don't usually message first, but your profile made me laugh out loud (the line about your cat having opinions). You seem like someone I'd actually enjoy talking to."

Why it works: Directness can be refreshing. Explaining specifically what drew you in is more meaningful than vague compliments.

8. The Low-Pressure Invitation

Format: Start with an observation, then offer a low-stakes next step.

Example: "Your profile mentions you're new to the city and looking for restaurant recommendations. I have a running list of underrated spots—happy to share if you're interested."

Why it works: You're offering value without demanding anything. It's helpful rather than performative.

9. The "This Made Me Think Of..."

Format: Connect something in their profile to something external—an article, a video, an experience.

Example: "Your profile reminded me of this article I read about people who take up hobbies just to see what it's like. Is that how you ended up with rock climbing AND knitting?"

Why it works: It shows thoughtfulness and gives them something specific to respond to. It also gives insight into how your mind works.

10. The Honest Uncertainty

Format: Acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation while still making an effort.

Example: "I'll be honest, openers are weird. But I genuinely liked your profile and wanted to say hi. What's something good that happened to you recently?"

Why it works: Meta-awareness about the strangeness of app communication can be endearing. The question is open but easy to answer.

When Their Profile Gives You Nothing

Sometimes you match with someone whose profile is essentially empty. A few photos, maybe one word in the bio, nothing to work with.

This is a challenging situation, but not impossible. Here are some approaches:

Comment on Something Visible

Even minimal profiles usually have photos. Look for something you can reasonably comment on—the setting, an activity they're doing, something they're wearing.

"That looks like an amazing sunset behind you—where was that taken?"

This is less ideal than a profile-based opener, but it still shows more effort than "hey."

Ask a Universal Question

If there's truly nothing to reference, ask something that anyone can answer but that invites an interesting response.

"What's something you're looking forward to this week?"

"What's the best thing you've eaten recently?"

These aren't personalized, but they at least provide a hook and start the conversation at something other than zero.

Acknowledge the Situation

Sometimes honesty works.

"Your profile is pretty minimal, so I don't have much to go on—but I liked your photos and figured I'd say hi. What should I know about you?"

This puts the ball in their court while being upfront about why you can't be more specific.

Recognize the Tradeoff

Here's the honest truth: minimal profiles often signal minimal effort in the dating process overall. Someone who put nothing into their profile may also put nothing into responding to messages or having conversations.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't try. But calibrate your expectations. If they have an empty profile and don't respond to your thoughtful opener, it probably wasn't about you.

Common Opener Mistakes to Avoid

The Generic Compliment

"You're really pretty" or "You have beautiful eyes" might seem like nice things to say, but they're not openers that invite conversation. They also don't tell the person anything about you or why you'd be worth talking to.

If you want to compliment appearance, at least make it specific enough to show attention: "Your style in that second photo is great—love the jacket" is better than "You're beautiful."

The Interview Question

"Where are you from? What do you do for work?" These aren't bad questions, but they feel like an interrogation rather than a conversation. Save them for after you've established some rapport.

The Double Message

If they don't respond to your first message, sending another one rarely helps. Either they didn't see it (unlikely on most apps), they're not interested, or they're busy and will respond later. A second message before they've replied usually comes across as desperate or pushy.

The Neg

Neg culture (backhanded compliments designed to lower someone's confidence) is toxic and ineffective. Don't do it. Playful teasing about something they've said is different from insulting them.

The Novel

A message that's five paragraphs long can feel overwhelming. Even if each paragraph is interesting, the sheer volume signals intensity that might be off-putting for a first message. Save your depth for when the conversation is flowing.

The Mindset Shift

Better openers come from a mindset shift more than from memorizing templates.

From: "What can I say that will get a response?"

To: "What genuinely caught my attention about this person?"

From: "How do I impress them?"

To: "How do I start a real conversation?"

From: "What's the perfect line?"

To: "What's an authentic expression of my interest?"

When you approach openers from a place of genuine curiosity rather than strategic maneuvering, they naturally become more interesting and more effective.

Putting It Into Practice

Here's a simple process for crafting an opener:

Read their profile. Actually read it. Look at the photos. Notice what stands out.
Find the hook. What makes you curious? What do you have in common? What's unusual or interesting?
Draft a message. Reference the hook + add a question or comment that invites response.
Check the length. 2-4 sentences is usually ideal.
Read it back. Does it sound like something you'd want to receive? Does it sound like you?
Send it. Don't overthink.

The goal isn't perfection. The goal is demonstrating genuine interest and giving them something to work with. That alone puts you ahead of 90% of the messages in their inbox.

One Last Thing

Better openers will get you more responses. But they won't guarantee responses.

Some people are terrible at checking their apps. Some matched with you while less sure and never got around to messaging. Some are going through something that has nothing to do with you. Some simply won't feel the chemistry, no matter how good your opener is.

That's okay. Dating apps are a numbers game in the sense that not every match will become a conversation, and not every conversation will become a connection.

What you can control is the quality of your contributions. When you send thoughtful openers, you maximize your chances. And you can feel good about how you're showing up, regardless of the outcome.

That's worth more than any response rate.