Open Relationship Rules That Actually Work (2025 Guide)

Opening a relationship is like building a house without blueprints—you know you need structure, but figuring out what that structure should look like is its own challenge.

Rules in open relationships get a complicated reputation. Some people swear by detailed agreements; others advocate for minimal structure. The truth is that the right amount of rules depends on the people involved, where they are in their journey, and what they need to feel secure.

This guide breaks down the differences between rules, boundaries, and agreements; explores common rules across different categories; and helps you figure out what might work for your relationship.

Rules vs. Boundaries vs. Agreements: What's the Difference?

These terms often get used interchangeably, but they mean different things—and the distinction matters.

Rules

Definition: Rules are restrictions you place on your partner's behavior. They're "You can't" or "You must" statements.

Examples:

"You can't sleep with anyone without telling me first"
"You must use protection with other partners"
"You can't see the same person more than twice a month"

Characteristics:

External enforcement (you're controlling someone else's actions)
Usually come with consequences if broken
Often motivated by fear or insecurity
Can feel restrictive to the person following them

Boundaries

Definition: Boundaries are limits you place on your own behavior and what you'll accept in your life. They're "I will" or "I won't" statements.

Examples:

"I won't continue a relationship where I don't know about other partners"
"I need 24 hours notice before you bring someone to our home"
"I don't share sexual health information about my other partners"

Characteristics:

Internal enforcement (you control your own actions and responses)
About what you need, not what you're demanding from others
Often feel more empowering and less controlling
Others can choose to respect them or not; you choose what to do about it

Agreements

Definition: Agreements are mutually negotiated understandings between partners. They're "We will" or "We won't" statements that both people actively consent to.

Examples:

"We'll tell each other when a connection is becoming serious"
"We won't date within our friend group"
"We'll check in every Sunday about how we're feeling"

Characteristics:

Collaborative creation
Both partners have ownership
Can be renegotiated as circumstances change
Built on mutual consent rather than unilateral demands

Why This Matters

Many ENM conflicts come from treating one of these as another.

A rule that's really someone's boundary gets enforced externally when it should be owned personally. An agreement that was never truly mutual feels unfair to the partner who didn't really choose it.

When you're discussing structure in your relationship, be clear about which category you're in:

Is this something I need for myself (boundary)?
Is this something I'm asking you to do (rule)?
Is this something we're deciding together (agreement)?

20 Common Rules by Category

Here are rules and agreements commonly used in open relationships, organized by what they address. These aren't recommendations—they're options to consider and discuss.

Communication Rules

1. Disclosure Timing

"We tell each other about new connections before becoming sexually involved."

This addresses the need to know what's happening. Variations include telling after the first kiss, after the first date, or simply before the next time you see each other.

2. Detail Level

"We share that dates happened and give a general sense of how it went, but we don't need play-by-play details."

Some couples want full disclosure; others prefer less information. Getting clear on this prevents both over-sharing that triggers jealousy and under-sharing that feels like secrecy.

3. Veto Communication

"Either of us can express concerns about a connection, and we commit to discussing it seriously."

Note this is about discussing, not automatically ending things. More on veto specifically later.

4. Advance Notice

"We give each other 24-48 hours notice before a date, not as permission, but as courtesy."

This helps with logistics and emotional preparation without requiring "approval."

5. Check-in Rhythms

"We have a weekly check-in conversation about how we're each feeling about our open relationship."

Regular structured conversations prevent resentment from building up unaddressed.

Physical/Sexual Rules

6. Barrier Use

"We use barriers (condoms/dental dams) for all sexual contact with other partners."

This is one of the most common agreements, usually linked to sexual health conversations.

7. Testing Cadence

"We get STI tested every three months and share results with each other."

Regular testing with clear communication about results is a foundation of many ENM relationships.

8. Fluid Bonding

"Barrier-free sex is reserved for our primary relationship until we explicitly renegotiate."

Some couples choose to maintain certain physical activities as exclusive, even as they open other aspects.

9. Location Limits

"We don't bring other partners to our home" or "We don't have sex in our shared bed."

For some, physical spaces hold emotional significance that they want to protect.

10. Activity Limits

"Certain sexual activities are reserved for our relationship."

This might be specific acts, or it might be categories like "overnights" or "vacation travel."

Time and Availability Rules

11. Date Frequency

"We limit outside dating to two nights per week maximum."

This ensures the primary relationship gets adequate attention.

12. Protected Time

"Saturday nights are always ours, no outside dates."

Designating specific time as couple-only creates predictability and security.

13. Event Priority

"Major events (anniversaries, family functions, partner's important days) take priority over other dates."

This establishes hierarchy of commitment without restricting day-to-day dating.

14. Response Expectations

"When one of us is on a date, we're not expected to be available for texting, but we check in at least once."

Balancing presence with other partners versus connection with each other.

15. New Relationship Energy Management

"When one of us is in NRE, we commit to actively maintaining our couple time even when it's tempting to spend all free time with the new person."

NRE can be overwhelming; this builds in protection for existing relationships.

Relationship Escalator Rules

16. No Nesting

"We won't move in with or share finances with other partners."

This establishes limits on how far other relationships can escalate.

17. No Pregnancy

"We take every precaution against pregnancy with other partners."

For couples who want to keep family planning within their relationship.

18. Hierarchy Acknowledgment

"Our relationship is primary, and decisions about major life stuff (moving, career changes, big purchases) center our partnership first."

This makes hierarchy explicit rather than assumed.

19. No Relationship Labels

"Other connections can't use titles like 'boyfriend/girlfriend' that suggest a committed relationship."

For some, labels carry emotional weight they want to reserve.

20. Meeting Meta Partners

"We meet serious partners after X dates" or "We never meet each other's partners unless everyone wants to."

This can go either direction depending on your preferred style (kitchen table vs. parallel poly).

Digital and Social Rules

Bonus: Profile Visibility

"We can see each other's dating app profiles if we want" or "We maintain privacy around our dating apps."

Bonus: Social Media Boundaries

"We don't post about other partners on shared social media" or "We're fully out and share openly."

Bonus: Shared Networks

"We don't date within our close friend group" or "Dating friends is fine but requires extra conversation."

How to Establish Rules That Work

Having a list of possible rules is one thing. Actually agreeing on them with a partner is another.

Start with Needs, Not Rules

Instead of opening with "I want a rule that...", start with "I need..." or "I feel secure when..."

For example:

Instead of: "I want a rule that you text me every hour when you're on a date"
Try: "I feel anxious when I don't know what's happening. I need some kind of check-in to feel grounded."

Starting with needs invites collaboration. Starting with rules invites negotiation (or resentment).

Explain the Why

Every rule should have a reason. If you can't articulate why you need something, sit with it before proposing it.

Good why's:

"This helps me manage jealousy while I build security"
"This protects our shared sexual health"
"This ensures our relationship gets the time it needs"

Problematic why's:

"Because I said so"
"Because it's just what you do"
"Because I don't trust you"

If the reason is distrust, the rule probably isn't the real solution.

Make Them Specific

Vague rules lead to conflict because partners interpret them differently.

Vague: "Be safe" Specific: "Use barriers for penetrative sex; get tested quarterly; tell me if something happens that affects our shared sexual health"

Vague: "Tell me about your dates" Specific: "Tell me before a first date happens, and give me a general temperature check after—good/bad/maybe—without details unless I ask"

Build in Review Points

Rules that made sense at the beginning might not make sense a year later. Build in explicit times to revisit and renegotiate.

"We'll revisit our agreements at our quarterly check-in" "This rule is in place for the first six months while we build experience, then we'll reassess" "Either of us can request a conversation about any rule at any time"

Agree on Consequences

What happens if a rule is broken? This isn't about punishment—it's about understanding what a breach means for the relationship.

Some couples explicitly agree that certain breaches end the relationship. Others agree that breaches require a processing conversation and potentially a pause on outside dating while trust is rebuilt. Others prefer not to specify in advance.

Whatever you choose, having some shared understanding prevents the conversation after a breach from being even harder.

Rules That Often Backfire

Some rules sound good in theory but tend to create problems in practice. Here are patterns to watch for.

The Veto

The rule: "Either of us can veto each other's partners at any time, for any reason."

Why it backfires: Veto rules often create triangulation and resentment. The partner using the veto feels powerful but often unclear about what they're actually uncomfortable with. The partner being vetoed feels controlled. The outside person gets treated as disposable without agency.

Better alternative: Agreement to discuss concerns seriously, with a commitment to understand what's really happening. Sometimes a veto impulse is pointing at something real; often it's about the couple's relationship rather than the outside person.

The "No Feelings" Rule

The rule: "Other relationships can only be physical, no emotional involvement allowed."

Why it backfires: Feelings aren't actually controllable. This rule sets people up to either suppress natural human connection or to lie about what's developing. It also tends to devalue other partners in ways that feel dehumanizing.

Better alternative: Agreement about what you'll do if feelings develop—how you'll communicate, what adjustments you'll consider, how you'll prioritize.

The "One Penis Policy"

The rule: (For heterosexual couples) "She can only see other women, not other men."

Why it backfires: Often rooted in the assumption that relationships with women are less threatening, which is homophobic and devalues queer relationships. Usually about male insecurity rather than genuine ethical concern. Creates an unequal structure that breeds resentment.

Better alternative: Examine why this asymmetry feels necessary. Work on the underlying insecurity. Create rules that apply equally regardless of gender.

Excessive Detail Requirements

The rule: "Tell me everything—every text, every kiss, every feeling you have about other people."

Why it backfires: This level of detail often creates more jealousy, not less. It can become a compulsive need that never feels like enough. It also invades the privacy of the other partner's relationships.

Better alternative: Figure out what information actually helps you feel secure versus what feeds anxiety. Often less is more.

The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Rule

The rule: "We can each do what we want as long as the other person doesn't have to know about it."

Why it backfires: Creates secrecy rather than openness. Makes it impossible to build genuine security because there's always unknown territory. Often leads to discoveries that feel like betrayal because there was no framework for honesty.

Better alternative: Some version of disclosure, even if minimal. "I was out with someone last night" can be enough without requiring details.

When Rules Get Broken

Even with good intentions and clear agreements, breaches happen. How you handle them matters more than the breach itself.

Pause Before Reacting

Finding out a rule was broken triggers strong emotions. Before having the conversation, give yourself time to move through the initial reaction.

Understand Before Judging

Was this a misunderstanding about the rule? A moment of weakness with immediate disclosure? Deliberate deception over time? These are different situations requiring different responses.

Separate the Rule from the Relationship

A broken rule isn't automatically a broken relationship. Ask:

Was this a one-time lapse or a pattern?
Did they disclose or hide?
What do they seem to feel about it?
Is the underlying relationship still sound?

Examine the Rule Itself

Sometimes a broken rule reveals that the rule wasn't realistic or fair. This doesn't excuse the breach, but it's information for future agreements.

Decide What You Need to Move Forward

This might be:

A sincere apology and commitment to the agreement
Pausing outside dating while you rebuild trust
Renegotiating the rule with more realistic terms
Therapy or structured support to process
Ending the relationship

There's no universal right answer. What matters is being honest about what you actually need.

A Framework for New Couples Opening Up

If you're just starting your open relationship journey, here's a suggested framework:

Start Minimal

Resist the urge to create elaborate rule structures. Start with:

One agreement about disclosure
One agreement about safer sex
One agreement about time/availability
A commitment to regular check-ins

Add Based on Experience

As you actually start dating others, you'll discover what triggers concern and what feels fine. Add agreements based on real needs that emerge, not theoretical worries.

Expect to Renegotiate

Your first agreements are drafts. You'll learn more about yourselves and each other as you go. Build in the expectation that things will change.

Err Toward Security Early

In the beginning, when you're building new muscles, it's okay to have more structure. As you build trust and experience, you can loosen things up. It's harder to add restrictions later than to gradually relax them.

A Framework for Experienced Couples Reassessing

If you've been ENM for a while and are examining your existing agreements:

Audit What Actually Happens

What rules do you have that you don't actually follow? What informal patterns have developed that aren't formally agreed upon? What agreements feel outdated?

Check for Fairness

Do your rules apply equally? Are they based on current needs or historical fears? Is anyone feeling controlled or resentful?

Streamline

Often long-standing couples have accumulated rules that no longer serve them. Consider which agreements are still necessary and which can be retired.

Address the Elephant in the Room

Are there tensions you've been avoiding by keeping restrictive rules in place? Sometimes rules are proxies for conversations you haven't had.

Rules Don't Replace Trust

Here's the uncomfortable truth: no amount of rules can protect you from a partner who wants to violate them.

Rules work when both people genuinely consent to them and are committed to honoring them. They don't work as cage bars keeping someone in who wants out.

If you find yourself wanting to add more and more rules, or checking up on whether rules are being followed, or feeling like the rules are the only thing holding things together—that's information about the relationship, not about the rules.

The goal isn't a comprehensive rulebook. It's a shared understanding between people who trust each other and want the same things.

Rules are scaffolding for trust, not substitutes for it.

Having Ongoing Conversations

Rules aren't set-and-forget. They're living agreements that need tending. Here's how to keep the conversation going.

Scheduled Check-ins: Monthly or quarterly conversations specifically about how your agreements are working.

Request for Renegotiation: Either partner can ask to discuss any rule at any time. The request alone isn't an accusation—it's an invitation to evolve together.

Post-Situation Processing: After significant events (new partners, near-breaches, jealousy flares), talk about whether your agreements need adjustment.

Anniversary Reviews: Once a year, do a comprehensive review of your entire agreement structure.

The couples who thrive in ENM are the ones who keep talking—not because things are wrong, but because things are always changing.

Finding Your Own Way

Every relationship is different. The rules that work for one couple might feel suffocating to another and inadequate to a third.

What matters is that your agreements:

Are genuinely mutual (not one person's demands)
Address real needs (not theoretical fears)
Get revisited over time (not set in stone)
Feel fair to everyone involved (not asymmetric)
Support connection (not just manage risk)

You're building something custom. Use frameworks like this one as starting points, but trust your own experience about what actually works for you.

Need Help With the Conversation?

Negotiating rules and agreements with partners can be one of the hardest conversations in ENM. Finding the right words for what you need, especially in charged emotional moments, isn't always easy.

Poise helps you articulate what you're thinking and feeling in relationship conversations. When you know what you mean but can't quite say it, we can help you find the words.

Download Poise for support with the hard conversations.