10 Questions to Ask a New Partner Before You Sleep Together

There's a moment in new connections when things start heating up—chemistry is flowing, attraction is mutual, and the next step seems obvious. But in ethical non-monogamy, pausing before that moment to have some important conversations isn't just smart; it's essential.

These conversations might feel awkward at first. Many of us weren't raised with models for talking openly about sex, health, and expectations. But in ENM, these discussions are fundamental to ethical practice. Having them shows maturity, builds trust, and prevents significant problems down the road.

This guide covers ten essential questions to ask before sleeping with a new partner, why each matters, how to have these conversations, and what to do when someone won't engage.

Why These Conversations Matter

Before diving into the questions, let's address why this matters so much in ENM specifically.

Multiple Partners Mean Multiplied Considerations

When you sleep with someone who has other partners, you're indirectly connected to a network of people. Decisions about safer sex practices affect not just you and this new person, but potentially your existing partners and theirs.

Assumptions Are Dangerous

In monogamy, there are often default assumptions about exclusivity, what sex means, and what happens next. In ENM, those defaults don't exist. Two people might have completely different expectations about the same encounter if they don't discuss it.

Your Existing Partners Deserve Consideration

If you have existing partners, they have a stake in your sexual health decisions. Many agreements include specific practices for new partners. Honoring those agreements—or renegotiating them before they're relevant—is part of ethical practice.

STIs Are Common and Manageable—But Require Honesty

The ENM community tends to have more realistic, less stigmatizing views about STIs. But this only works if people are honest about their status, testing practices, and any relevant information.

The 10 Essential Questions

1. When Were You Last Tested, and What Were You Tested For?

This is the most fundamental sexual health question, but it needs specificity. "I got tested recently" doesn't tell you much. You want to know:

When exactly? A test from two years ago isn't relevant. Most healthcare providers recommend testing at least annually for sexually active people, and more frequently for those with multiple partners.

What tests were included? Standard STI panels vary widely. Some only include a few infections. Full panels typically test for:

HIV
Chlamydia
Gonorrhea
Syphilis
Herpes (HSV-1 and HSV-2)—often NOT included unless specifically requested
Hepatitis B and C

Were there results you need to know about? This opens the door for disclosure of any ongoing infections.

2. What Safer Sex Practices Do You Use With Other Partners?

Understanding their broader approach helps you assess risk and compatibility. Questions to explore:

Do you use barriers (condoms, dental dams) for penetrative sex? Oral sex?
Does that vary with different partners?
Are there fluid-bonded partners in your network?
What's your approach to new versus established partners?

Why this matters: Their practices with others affect your risk even if you use barriers together. If they're fluid-bonded with someone who has other unbarriered partners, that's relevant information for your decision-making.

3. What Barriers and Protection Do You Expect Us to Use?

Now make it specific to your potential encounter:

Condoms for penetrative sex?
Barriers for oral sex?
Gloves for manual sex?
Any other safer sex measures?

Getting aligned: You might have different default expectations. Someone might assume barriers for everything; someone else might assume barriers only for penetrative sex. Clarifying prevents awkward mid-encounter negotiations.

Negotiating differences: If you want more protection than they typically use, state your boundary clearly. If they want less protection than you're comfortable with, hold your boundary. This isn't about finding a compromise—it's about both people being comfortable with what happens.

4. Is There Anything About Your Health I Should Know?

This broader question covers things the STI discussion might miss:

Chronic conditions that affect sex
Medications that might be relevant
HSV (herpes) disclosure—since many people have it and it doesn't always come up in testing discussions
HPV status
Any other transmissible conditions

On disclosure: There's ongoing discussion in ENM communities about what requires disclosure and when. At minimum, anything transmissible that could affect a partner's health should be disclosed before exposure. Beyond that, disclosure of managed conditions is often a personal choice—but many people share anything that might be relevant.

5. What Agreements Do You Have With Existing Partners That Affect Me?

Many ENM relationships include agreements about new partners. These might include:

Required discussions before sex with someone new
Specific safer sex practices for new partners
Things that are off-limits with others
Commitments about timing (like waiting a certain period before sex with new connections)
Required testing windows
Agreements about disclosure

Why you need to know: If they have an agreement to discuss new partners with their primary before sex and they haven't done that, you could be starting off on a problematic foot. Becoming someone's secret undermines their other relationships and often yours too.

Red flag: If they're cagey about their existing agreements or say things like "my partner doesn't need to know," that's concerning. Ethical non-monogamy requires honesty with all parties.

6. What Are Your Boundaries and Limits?

Before getting physical, understand what's on the table and what's not:

What activities are you interested in or open to?
What's off-limits for you?
Are there things you might be interested in eventually but not right away?
Any trauma history or triggers that are relevant?
Safe words or signals you use?

Creating space for honesty: Frame this as genuine curiosity, not interrogation. Sharing some of your own limits first can make others more comfortable sharing theirs.

Remember: Boundaries can change. This conversation establishes a starting point, but ongoing communication is essential.

7. How Will We Communicate During and After?

Establish expectations about communication:

During: How do you each communicate consent in the moment? Are you comfortable with verbal check-ins? How will you communicate if something isn't working?

After: What kind of communication do you each expect after sleeping together? A text the next day? Nothing until you organically connect again? Emotional processing?

Why this matters: Mismatched expectations about post-sex communication cause a lot of hurt feelings. If one person expects a morning-after call and the other expects silence until next week, both end up confused.

8. What Does This Mean to You?

This is the relationship expectations conversation. Before getting intimate, align on what this connection is:

Is this a one-time thing, or are you open to seeing where it goes?
Are you looking for something ongoing and serious, or something casual?
What level of emotional intimacy are you interested in?
How does this fit into your existing life and relationships?

Honesty here prevents pain later: If they're looking for a life partner and you're looking for occasional casual sex, it's kinder to be clear about that before getting more intimate. Intimacy tends to intensify feelings, and false expectations can cause real harm.

9. Who Else Needs to Know, and What Should They Know?

In ENM, your sexual connections often affect others:

Do your existing partners need to know before this happens?
What information do they expect to receive?
Is there anything you're not comfortable being shared?
How do you each handle privacy about your connections?

Navigating different approaches: Some people are very open about their connections; others prefer privacy. Some existing relationships require advance notice; others operate on don't-ask-don't-tell models. Understanding each other's context prevents stepping on landmines.

Respecting metamours: Even if you never meet your partner's other partners, they're affected by what happens between you. Considering their reasonable interests is part of ethical practice.

10. Is There Anything Else I Should Know or That You Want to Ask Me?

End with an open-ended invitation. There might be something important that didn't fit into the earlier questions:

Something they're nervous to bring up
A question they've been wanting to ask you
Relevant information that didn't have an obvious opening
Concerns they want to address before moving forward

This also models the kind of ongoing open communication that makes ENM work. You're showing that you're someone who invites honesty and creates space for difficult conversations.

How to Have These Conversations

Knowing what to discuss is one thing; actually having these conversations is another. Here's how to approach it:

Pick the Right Moment

Ideally, have this conversation before you're in a situation where sex is imminent. On a date when things are going well but before you're in bed. Via text or phone if meeting in person isn't practical. Early enough that you can both process and ask follow-up questions.

Avoid: Having this conversation when you're already undressing, when either person is intoxicated, or when there's pressure to move forward quickly.

Frame It Positively

This isn't an interrogation or a hoop to jump through. Frame it as:

"I want to make sure we're on the same page"
"I think it's hot when people communicate well about this stuff"
"I care about doing this right"
"I've learned these conversations make everything better"

Share Your Own Information First

Modeling vulnerability makes it easier for others to be open. Offer your own testing history, practices, and agreements before asking about theirs. This shows you're not just extracting information—you're engaging in mutual disclosure.

Use Collaborative Language

"Let's figure out what makes sense for us" rather than "What do you do?"
"What feels right to both of us?" rather than "What are your rules?"
"How do we want to handle this?" rather than "Tell me your boundaries"

Make It Ongoing

This conversation isn't one-and-done. Circumstances change, new information arises, and relationships evolve. Establish that you're both comfortable revisiting these topics as needed.

Keep It Proportionate

The depth of conversation should match the situation. A casual hookup might need a shorter version focused on health and safety. A potentially serious ongoing connection warrants a more extensive discussion. Use judgment about what's relevant.

When They Won't Have the Conversation

Sometimes people resist these conversations. Here's how to navigate that:

Understand Why They Might Resist

Discomfort: They might not have had partners who communicate this way and feel awkward about it.

Defensiveness: They might interpret questions as accusations or lack of trust.

Avoidance: They might have something they don't want to disclose.

Different norms: In some dating contexts, this level of discussion isn't typical.

Try Adjusting Your Approach

If they seem uncomfortable, try:

Making the conversation more casual and less formal
Sharing more of your own information first
Breaking it into smaller discussions over time
Addressing the discomfort directly: "I know this might feel unusual..."

Recognize Red Flags

Some responses are concerning:

Refusing to discuss testing or STI status
Being evasive about existing partners and agreements
Dismissing your concerns as paranoia or overthinking
Pressuring you to skip the conversation and just go with the flow
Getting angry or defensive about reasonable questions

Hold Your Boundaries

If someone won't engage in basic health and safety conversations, that's information about them. You get to decide that this conversation is a prerequisite for intimacy, and you're not obligated to proceed without it.

You might say:

"I hear that this feels uncomfortable, but I need this information before we go further"
"I'm not able to sleep with someone I can't have these conversations with"
"If now isn't the right time, we can wait until you're ready to discuss this"

Know When to Walk Away

Someone who won't communicate about health, safety, and expectations before sex is unlikely to communicate well during or after. This conversation is a test of the communication skills that will be essential if you're going to be involved.

If they fail this test, believe what you're seeing.

After the Conversation

Once you've covered these topics:

Document Relevant Information: It's okay to note their testing dates, agreed-upon practices, and other important details. Memory is fallible.

Check In With Yourself: Does anything they said change how you feel? Are you comfortable proceeding? Is there anything you need to process before moving forward?

Follow Through on Your Agreements: If you agreed to certain practices or disclosures, honor those agreements. This builds trust and integrity.

Keep Communicating: This conversation opened the door, but communication should continue—during intimate moments, after, and as your connection evolves.

Summary

Before sleeping with a new partner in ENM, discuss:

Testing history: When, what, and results
Safer sex with others: Their practices across their network
Safer sex with you: What you'll use together
Health disclosures: Anything relevant they should share
Existing agreements: What their current partners expect
Boundaries and limits: What's on and off the table
Communication style: During and after intimacy
Meaning and expectations: What this connection is
Privacy and disclosure: Who else needs to know what
Anything else: Open invitation for what was missed

Having these conversations shows maturity, builds trust, and creates a foundation for whatever your connection becomes. Someone who's good at these discussions is likely to be good at the ongoing communication that makes ENM work.

The conversation might feel awkward at first, but it quickly becomes natural—and many people find it attractive when potential partners take these things seriously.