Scripts for the 'I'm Non-Monogamous' Talk: When & How to Say It
Word-for-word scripts for disclosing ENM to new dates. When to tell them, how to handle reactions, and what to say.
At some point, you have to tell them.
Whether you're newly exploring non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, the disclosure conversation never becomes entirely routine. There's always that moment of vulnerability—the uncertainty about how they'll react, the fear of rejection, the hope that they'll understand.
The good news: this conversation gets easier with practice. And having a framework—knowing what to say and when to say it—takes a lot of the guesswork out.
This guide gives you word-for-word scripts for disclosing ethical non-monogamy in different scenarios, plus strategies for handling the conversation that follows.
The Timing Debate: When Should You Tell Them?
This is the first question most ENM people struggle with, and there's genuine disagreement in the community. Let's break down the options.
Option 1: In Your Dating Profile
The case for: Maximum efficiency. You filter out incompatible matches before any time is invested. Complete honesty from the start. No awkward revelation conversation needed.
The case against: Some people might swipe left without understanding what ENM actually means. On mainstream apps, it can invite harassment. It defines you by your relationship structure before anything else about you.
Best for: People using ENM-friendly apps (Feeld, #open), people who are strongly out about their relationship structure, people who want to filter aggressively.
Option 2: Before the First Date
The case for: Respects their time if it's a dealbreaker. Avoids building false expectations. Creates space for them to ask questions before meeting.
The case against: Important conversations can be hard over text. They might not give you a fair chance without meeting you first.
Best for: When you matched on a mainstream app and ENM isn't obvious, when you sense they might assume monogamy, when the first date would require significant logistics.
Option 3: On the First Date
The case for: You can read their reaction in real time. They've already met you and might be more open. Conversation is easier in person.
The case against: They've invested time without knowing a potentially key fact. Could feel like a "gotcha." Harder for them to process in the moment.
Best for: When you want to connect as a person first, when you're worried they'll dismiss ENM without meeting you, when it feels safer to disclose in person.
Option 4: After a Few Dates
The case for: They've gotten to know you. By now they might be invested enough to be curious rather than dismissive.
The case against: This can feel like deception if they assumed monogamy. The longer you wait, the more betrayed they might feel. Ethically questionable if they've shared vulnerable things assuming you're heading toward monogamy.
Best for: Almost never. Most ENM practitioners consider this too late.
The General Principle
Most ENM communities agree: disclose before anyone develops significant feelings or before you become physically intimate—whichever comes first.
This is about informed consent. Someone can't choose to engage with you authentically if they don't know the full context.
When in doubt, earlier is better. Yes, you might face more rejection. But the rejections you avoid by disclosing early are actually bullets dodged—those people weren't going to be compatible anyway.
6 Word-for-Word Scripts for Disclosure
Here are scripts for different situations. Adapt these to your voice, but keep the core elements: clarity about what you're telling them, openness to questions, and space for their response.
Script 1: The Direct Profile Mention
For your dating app bio:
"Ethically non-monogamous. I have a partner of [X years] and we date independently. Happy to answer questions about what that means and what I'm looking for."
Or more casual:
"Partnered and openly dating. If you're curious about what that looks like, ask me."
Or minimal:
"ENM. Ask me about it."
Script 2: Pre-Date Text Disclosure
"Hey, before we meet up, I wanted to share something important. I'm ethically non-monogamous—I have a partner, and we've both agreed to date other people. I know that's not everyone's thing, so I wanted to put it out there before we invest time in meeting. Happy to answer any questions, or I totally understand if that's not what you're looking for."
Simpler version:
"Quick heads up before our date—I'm in an open relationship. My partner knows I'm on here and we both date other people. Just wanted to make sure you knew that going in. Any questions?"
Script 3: First Date Disclosure (Early in the Conversation)
"There's something I want to tell you early because I think it's important. I'm non-monogamous—I have a partner, and we both see other people. It's something we've agreed on together. I didn't put it in my profile because [I wanted to explain it in person / the app doesn't really have space for it], but I always share it before things go too far. What questions do you have?"
Script 4: First Date Disclosure (When Relationship Status Comes Up)
If they ask if you're seeing anyone:
"I am, actually. I have a partner of [time period]. We're ethically non-monogamous, which means we both date other people with full knowledge and consent. I know that might not be what you were expecting to hear—happy to talk about what that means and how I approach it."
Script 5: When They're Clearly Assuming Monogamy
If the conversation is going somewhere that suggests they assume you're single:
"I should pause and share something, because I think I might be letting an assumption happen. I'm in a relationship—an open one. My partner and I both see other people. I didn't want to let this conversation go further without you knowing that. I'm interested in getting to know you, but I want you to have the full picture."
Script 6: When You're Newly Non-Monogamous
"I want to be upfront about where I'm at. I'm in a relationship, and we've recently opened it up. This is new for me—I'm still learning how to navigate it all. I'm not looking to figure that out at anyone's expense, but I did want to be honest that I'm not super experienced with dating while partnered. Does that change anything for you?"
Common Questions (And How to Answer Them)
After disclosure, questions usually follow. Here are the ones you're most likely to hear and how to handle them.
"What does your partner think about this?"
This is really asking: "Is this actually okay, or are you cheating?"
Good answer:
"They're completely on board. We talked about this a lot before opening up, and we both actively choose this structure. They know I'm here, they know I'm on this date, and there's no secrecy involved."
"Are you looking for someone to replace them?"
This is asking: "Am I going to be a secondary priority forever?"
Good answer:
"Not at all. I'm not looking to leave my current relationship—I'm looking to build additional connections. That doesn't mean you'd be less important, just that the connection would be its own thing. I understand if you're looking for something more traditional, though."
"Have you done this before?"
They want to know if you have experience navigating this.
Good answer:
"Yes, I've been practicing non-monogamy for [time period]. I've learned a lot about communication, boundaries, and what works for me. I'm happy to share more about my experience if you're curious."
Or if you're new:
"I'm relatively new to this, but I've done a lot of reading and thinking about it. I'm approaching it carefully and communicating a lot with my partner. I'm not going to pretend I have it all figured out."
"What if I want more than you can give?"
They're worried about falling for someone unavailable.
Good answer:
"That's a really fair concern. I try to be clear about what I can offer—which is [time/emotional availability/type of relationship]. If you're looking for something that eventually becomes exclusive and primary, I'm probably not the right fit. But if you're open to a connection that's valuable on its own terms, I'd like to explore that."
"Why aren't you just single if you want to date other people?"
They might be skeptical that non-monogamy is legitimate.
Good answer:
"Because I love my partner and want to be with them. Non-monogamy isn't about something being wrong with my relationship—it's about expanding the love and connection in my life, not replacing what I have. It's a different model of relationships than the traditional one, but it works for us."
"What are the rules?"
They want to understand the structure.
Good answer:
"We have some agreements about [communication/safe sex/time commitments/whatever applies]. The main thing is transparency—we tell each other what's happening and check in regularly. I can share more specifics if you want to know how it would affect us."
"Don't you get jealous?"
This is often asked with genuine curiosity.
Good answer:
"Sometimes, yeah. Jealousy still happens. The difference is we talk about it rather than treating it as a sign that something's wrong. Usually jealousy is pointing at an unmet need or an insecurity I can work on. It's uncomfortable sometimes, but it's manageable."
Reading Their Reaction
Once you've disclosed, pay attention to how they respond. Their initial reaction tells you a lot.
Positive Signs
- Curiosity: They ask questions, want to understand, seem genuinely interested
- Openness: "That's not something I've considered, but I'm willing to learn more"
- Experience: "Oh, I've dated non-monogamous people before" or "I'm ENM too!"
- Thoughtfulness: They take a moment to process rather than immediately reacting
Neutral Signs (Could Go Either Way)
- Uncertainty: "I'm not sure how I feel about that"
- Need for time: "Can I think about this?"
- Questions about their role: "What would that mean for us?"
These responses deserve patience. Give them space to process without pushing.
Concerning Signs
- Immediate disgust or judgment: "That's wrong" or "I could never"
- Accusations: "So you're a cheater"
- Possessiveness: "I'd want you all to myself"
- Trying to change you: "Maybe you'll feel differently once you meet the right person"
These responses suggest incompatibility. You can try to explain, but don't expect to convince someone who has a strong negative reaction.
The "Maybe I Can Deal" Response
Sometimes someone will say they're okay with it when they're not—either because they like you and hope things will change, or because they don't want to seem closed-minded.
Watch for:
- Discomfort that they're clearly suppressing
- Repeated bringing up of your partner with edge in their voice
- Attempts to understand "when you'll be done with this phase"
- Passive-aggressive comments about your availability
Someone who says yes but feels no is not a compatible match.
Handling Rejection
Sometimes disclosure leads to rejection. Here's how to handle it with grace.
Accept It Without Arguing
"I understand. I appreciate you being honest with me. I hope you find what you're looking for."
You don't need to convince anyone. If they're not interested in non-monogamy, that's their right.
Don't Take It Personally
Rejection of ENM isn't rejection of you as a person. They're rejecting a relationship structure that doesn't work for them. That's actually useful information—you've just filtered out someone incompatible.
Resist the Urge to Educate
If they have misconceptions about non-monogamy, you can briefly clarify. But their first date with you isn't the time for a lecture on relationship ethics. If they're interested, they'll do their own learning.
Acknowledge What's Real
Sometimes the rejection stings because you genuinely liked them. That's allowed. It's okay to feel disappointed even when you know it wasn't meant to be.
When They're Interested but Uncertain
Sometimes you get someone who's intrigued but unsure. They've never considered non-monogamy but aren't ruling it out. Here's how to navigate.
Offer Resources Without Pressure
"If you're curious to learn more, there are some great books and podcasts. I could recommend some if you want. No pressure to figure it all out right now—just if you want more context."
Suggested resources:
- "The Ethical Slut" by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
- "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino
- "Multiamory" podcast
- "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern
Give Them Space
"I don't need an answer today. Take whatever time you need to think about it. I'm happy to answer questions as they come up."
Be Clear About Your Needs
While giving them space, don't put yourself on indefinite hold:
"I want to give you room to figure this out, but I also want to be honest that I'm actively dating. If you take some time to think and decide it's not for you, I completely understand. Just keep me posted."
Watch for Genuine Interest vs. Trying to Please
Someone who's genuinely exploring will ask thoughtful questions, seem intellectually curious, and consider their own feelings honestly.
Someone who's trying to please will agree quickly without really processing, avoid asking about the hard stuff, and seem to be going along to get along.
The latter isn't someone you want to date—it'll catch up to you eventually.
Special Situations
Disclosing on ENM-Friendly Apps
When you're on apps like Feeld where non-monogamy is common, disclosure is simpler—but you still need clarity.
"I see you're on here exploring. Happy to share more about my situation. I have a nesting partner of 3 years, and we practice parallel poly—we date separately and don't need our partners to interact. What's your situation?"
Disclosing to Someone Who's Also ENM
If they've already disclosed their non-monogamy, you can match their energy:
"That works perfectly, actually—I'm also ENM. I have a partner who I live with, and we've been open for two years. We seem compatible in structure at least!"
Disclosing When You're Single but Looking for ENM
If you're not currently partnered but are non-monogamous by orientation:
"I should mention that I practice non-monogamy. I'm not currently partnered, but I'm not looking for traditional monogamy either. I want to be upfront that any relationship with me would be open to other connections. Is that something you've ever considered?"
Disclosing When Your Partner Has Veto Power
If your relationship structure includes veto dynamics, be transparent:
"I want to be clear about something in my relationship—my partner and I have an agreement where we check in about new connections. They're supportive of me dating, but they do have input on how things develop. I want you to know that going in so there are no surprises."
What If You've Already Waited Too Long?
Maybe you're reading this and realizing you should have disclosed earlier. It happens. Here's how to correct course.
"I need to tell you something I should have said earlier. I'm in a relationship—an open one. My partner knows I'm dating and is fully supportive. I didn't mention it before because [honest reason], but I realize that wasn't fair to you. I should have given you that information sooner. I understand if this changes things for you."
Key elements:
- Acknowledge the delay
- State the facts clearly
- Take responsibility without excessive groveling
- Give them space to react
They may be hurt that you didn't say something sooner. That's valid. All you can do is apologize, be honest about why, and respect their response.
Building Your Disclosure Confidence
Disclosure gets easier with practice. Here are some ways to build your confidence:
Practice out loud. Literally say your disclosure script to yourself, to friends, to a mirror. The words will come more naturally when you've said them before.
Have the conversation in safe spaces first. Practice with friends who are ENM-friendly, or in community spaces where you know you'll be accepted.
Remember why you're doing this. Disclosure isn't about seeking approval. It's about finding compatible people and respecting everyone's right to informed consent.
Reframe rejection as filtering. Every "no" is information. It's saving you time and protecting you from incompatible situations.
Collect positive experiences. When disclosure goes well, remember that. Over time, you'll build evidence that this conversation doesn't always go badly.
The Disclosure Mindset
Ultimately, disclosure is about confidence in your choices.
When you disclose from a place of shame or apology, people pick up on that. When you disclose from a place of clarity and self-assurance, that reads differently.
You're not confessing something wrong. You're sharing information about how you live and love. The right people will receive that as an invitation, not a warning.
The goal isn't to get everyone to accept your non-monogamy. It's to find the people who are genuinely compatible—and to do that, they need to know the truth.
Need Help Finding the Words?
Even with scripts, disclosure can feel daunting. Sometimes you know what you need to say but can't quite get the words out.
Poise can help you craft clear, confident messages for disclosure and beyond. Our AI understands the nuances of ENM communication and helps you express yourself authentically.