The Ethics of Unicorn Hunting: What You Need to Know

Few topics generate more debate in ENM communities than unicorn hunting. For couples new to polyamory, seeking a third partner together can seem like the obvious starting point. But the way many couples approach this has created a pattern so common—and so often harmful—that it's earned its own warning label.

This isn't to say that triads can't work or that couples should never date together. But understanding why unicorn hunting has such a negative reputation is essential for anyone who wants to approach dating as a couple ethically.

What Is Unicorn Hunting?

The term "unicorn" in ENM refers to a person—typically a bisexual woman—who is willing to date both members of a heterosexual couple equally, without having independent relationships with either partner. She's called a "unicorn" because people fitting this specific profile who are also interested in highly couple-centric arrangements are considered rare.

Unicorn hunting is when a couple actively searches for this person with expectations that include:

She must be equally attracted to and involved with both partners
She joins "their" relationship rather than building something new
She doesn't have other partners (or at least not other partners who matter)
She accepts the couple's pre-existing rules and structure
She's available when they want her but understanding when they need couple time
If things don't work out, she's the one who leaves

The term is usually used critically because the hunting pattern typically treats the unicorn as an addition to an existing relationship rather than a full partner with her own needs, agency, and voice.

Why Is It Problematic?

Understanding the issues with typical unicorn hunting patterns helps illuminate what ethical couple dating would look like instead.

The Third Person Is Often Treated as Expendable

In most unicorn hunting scenarios, if something goes wrong, the couple stays together and the third person is out. Her relationship security is always contingent on the couple's relationship working—and on both of them wanting her to stay.

This creates a fundamental power imbalance. She can be removed from both relationships at once if the couple decides it's not working. But she has no equivalent power—she can't end the couple's relationship with each other.

Expectations Are Often Unrealistic

The classic unicorn hunting profile expects someone to:

Be equally attracted to both partners (which can't be manufactured)
Develop feelings at the same pace with both (which rarely happens naturally)
Accept couple-centric rules she had no part in creating
Be satisfied with whatever time and attention the couple offers
Not have needs or preferences that disrupt the couple dynamic
Appear when wanted and fade when not

Real humans rarely fit these expectations, and trying to meet them creates pressure, resentment, and often harm.

It Often Serves One Partner's Interests

A common (and often unspoken) unicorn hunting dynamic: one partner is more interested in non-monogamy, and dating as a couple is a compromise that makes the other partner feel safer. The reluctant partner participates to maintain some control over the situation, not because they genuinely want this.

This sets up a situation where:

The more interested partner gets someone to be excited about
The less interested partner gets to be present for everything
The unicorn is caught between one person who really wants her and one who tolerates her

This isn't a recipe for healthy relationships.

Couple Privilege Goes Unexamined

Most unicorn hunting couples don't recognize or acknowledge their privilege:

They make decisions about the relationship structure without the unicorn's input
They have each other as backup; she doesn't
They control the terms of engagement
They're an established unit; she's trying to integrate
Their relationship is "real"; hers might be treated as supplementary

Without intentional effort to address this imbalance, the unicorn is always in a less secure, less empowered position.

The "Seeking Together" Frame Is Often Dishonest

When couples say they're "dating together," what often happens:

One partner messages potential thirds while the other is copied
One partner is more active on dates while the other participates obligatorily
One partner's interest drives the search while the other goes along

This isn't two people dating someone—it's one person dating with a chaperone. And it's not honest about the actual dynamics involved.

How to Ethically Seek a Third

Despite the problems with typical unicorn hunting, couples can approach dating ethically. Here's what that looks like:

Question Whether "Dating as a Couple" Is Actually What You Want

Before assuming you should date together, ask:

Is this what both of us genuinely want, or is it a compromise?
Are we doing this because we're afraid of what independent dating would mean?
Would we be okay if we each ended up with different partners instead of a shared one?
What would we do if we found someone great who only clicked with one of us?

Sometimes the honest answer is that dating together isn't right for you—and that's important to discover before involving a third person.

Be Flexible About Outcomes

Ethical couple dating requires openness to different possibilities:

She might be more compatible with one of you than the other
Individual relationships might be more sustainable than a triad
She might want to remain friends with one of you if the romance ends
The triad might evolve into a V or into separate relationships

If you're only willing to accept "she dates both of us equally forever or nothing," you're not ready to date ethically.

Center Her Agency and Needs

Throughout the process, keep asking:

What does she want?
Is she getting her needs met?
Does she have a genuine voice in decisions?
Are we treating her as a full person or as a supporting character?

She should be involved in creating the structure of the relationship, not just accepting terms you've already decided.

Create Space for Individual Connections

Even if you're building a triad, each dyad within it needs room to develop:

Time for her and Partner A alone
Time for her and Partner B alone
Time for all three together
Time for the original couple

If she only ever sees you both together, she can't build genuine individual relationships—and the "equal connection" requirement becomes even more artificial.

Examine Your Rules and Agreements

Look critically at any rules you're bringing into this:

Were they created with only the couple in mind?
Does she have any input on rules that affect her?
Are the rules designed to protect the couple at her expense?
What would she think of these rules if she saw them?

Rules like "the couple always comes first" or "she can't see either of us separately" or "we can end this at any time" reveal couple-centrism that will likely cause harm.

Be Transparent About Your Limitations

If you have constraints—limited time, prescriptive hierarchy, veto power—be upfront about them from the start. Don't downplay limitations hoping she'll accept them once she's emotionally invested.

Transparency allows potential partners to make informed decisions about whether your situation works for them.

Consider Whether You're Actually Ready

Unicorn hunting often happens because couples want to try non-monogamy but aren't ready to face the challenges it brings—jealousy, time management, independent relationships. Dating together can feel like a way to minimize these challenges.

But if you're not ready to handle your partner having an independent connection, you're not ready to handle a third person's genuine needs either. Consider whether you need more foundation work before dating anyone.

Red Flags for Unicorns

If you're a person considering dating a couple, here are warning signs that you might be entering an unhealthy dynamic:

Before/During Initial Contact

They approach you with a joint profile, emphasizing how much they want to share you
They compare you to a "unicorn" or seem focused on how rare you are
They're vague about what they're actually offering
They seem focused on what you can add to their relationship rather than curious about who you are
One partner does all the talking while the other is passive
They move very quickly to sexual interest without getting to know you

About Their Relationship

They frame their relationship as the priority and any new person as secondary
They have lots of rules about what you can and can't do
They use phrases like "we're a package deal" or "we come first"
They seem to think you should be grateful for their attention
They describe wanting someone to "complete" them or fill a gap
Their previous attempts at this have all ended badly (especially if they blame the other person)

About Your Potential Relationship With Them

They expect equal feelings on a specific timeline
They're not open to individual dates or connections
One person seems reluctantly involved
They have veto power over each other's relationships
They expect you to have no other partners or deprioritize existing ones
They're not willing to discuss what happens if things don't work out

Red Flags in Practice

You feel like you're performing for them rather than being yourself
You sense competition or insecurity between them that you're caught in
They make decisions about the relationship without consulting you
You feel like you can't say no to either of them without risking the whole thing
Your needs are consistently deprioritized
You feel more like a fantasy than a person

Being a Good Couple to Date

If you want to date as a couple and do it well, here's what that looks like:

Work on Your Own Relationship First

Before adding anyone, make sure your foundation is solid. You should be able to:

Communicate effectively about hard topics
Manage jealousy when it arises
Handle conflict without it becoming destructive
Support each other's individual growth
Function well as individuals, not just as a unit

Develop Individual Readiness

Each partner should be genuinely ready for ENM as an individual, not just going along with the other's interest. This means:

Understanding your own needs and desires
Being willing to do the emotional work
Having capacity for more relationships
Not being primarily motivated by fear or control

Approach With Humility

Recognize that you're asking someone to take a significant risk by getting involved with an established couple. Approach with humility rather than entitlement.

You're not owed anyone's interest
Being a couple doesn't make you more appealing
A third person who joins you is being brave, not lucky

Invest in the Relationship

If you find someone who's willing to build something with you, treat that relationship as valuable:

Give it real time and attention
Include her in decisions
Fight for the relationship when things get hard
Don't treat her as expendable

Be Prepared to Let Go of the "Perfect Triad" Vision

Real relationships rarely look like the fantasy. Be ready for:

Unequal connections
Evolution into different configurations
Things not working out
Individual relationships that persist outside the triad

Get Support

Find resources that help you navigate this well:

Books on ethical polyamory
Poly-friendly therapists
Communities of people who've done this successfully
Honest conversations with people who've dated couples

When Triads Work

Despite all the warnings, triads can be wonderful relationships when they develop authentically. Here's what successful triads often have in common:

They Formed Organically

Rather than hunting for a specific type of person to fill a role, successful triads often form when three people connect naturally and all three relationships develop authentically.

Everyone Chose In

Each person genuinely chose to be there—not because they were dating and the partner came with, not because they were compromising, but because they wanted this specific configuration with these specific people.

Power Is Actively Balanced

The original couple recognizes their privilege and actively works to counteract it. The third person has a genuine voice and isn't treated as junior.

Individual Relationships Are Valued

Each dyad has its own character and gets its own attention. The triad isn't just about group time—it's three relationships plus the group dynamic.

There's Flexibility

Successful triads can weather changes—someone being busier for a while, connection ebbing and flowing, the configuration evolving. They're not rigid about maintaining a specific ideal.

Everyone Can Leave

Paradoxically, triads work best when everyone could leave if they needed to. No one is trapped, and people stay because they want to, not because they have to.

Summary

Unicorn hunting gets its bad reputation from patterns that often harm the people couples pursue:

Treating the third as expendable
Expecting unrealistic equality of connection
Prioritizing the couple's comfort over her needs
Failing to examine couple privilege
Using dating together to avoid the real work of ENM

Ethical alternatives involve:

Genuine flexibility about outcomes
Centering her agency and needs
Creating space for individual connections
Examining and revising couple-centric rules
Transparency about limitations
Ensuring both partners are genuinely enthusiastic

Whether you're a couple considering dating together or someone considering dating a couple, the key questions are: Is everyone being treated as a full person with their own agency? Is power being balanced actively? Is there genuine flexibility about how this might develop?

When those answers are yes, beautiful relationships become possible. When they're no, someone—usually the unicorn—gets hurt.